Umblicatards are totatally helpless in modern society. Nearly 70% of the U.S. population is afflicted according to the IRS. This is a learned disability passed from generation to generation. The condition is not, as supposed, a genetic illness. It is inconsequential hoohah invented by the lower echelons to explain their spineless nonperformance. In reality, this syndrome is aggrivated by being coddled and overprotected for far too long.

SYMPTOMS

An Umblicatard is a person afflicted with a neurosis similar in nature to the male "Peter Pan Syndrome" but umblicatards can be either male and/or female. The worst symptom of the umblicatard is incessant whining about how things don't taste like mother used to make, etc. Mamby-pamby weak and ineffectual weenies.

PRESCRIPTION & CURE

The best cure is a slap of absurd non-reality demonstrating how bad things could really get if the umbilicatard goes too far. This is best illustrated in the graphic novel Cypher. Cypher cures about 0.3% of all umbilicatards. This is the most successful treatment known with present printing technology. In theory, cure rates may be better in full-color because most umblicatards are illiterate. Looking at the nice pictures appears to decrease symptoms.

WARNINGS

One never knows what to say to the umbilicatard especially if they are watching TV. They generally blame their parents for all woes. They believe strongly in genetically-transmitted disease but not in evolution. They don't believe, even for a moment, anything can change their future misery because they were obviously "born too loose".

As they say in umbilicatard group therapy, "Sometimes the apple never does drop far from the tree.It just withers on the twig."