Invisible vortexi with extreme suction are usually nonfatal annoyances. An invisible vortex is always accompanied by an audible low-frequency "THOOMP" noise as one passes through the eye and vanishes into thin air. If the air is thick, this slows the entire process and "real results" are unpredictable.

SYMPTOMS

Thoompemisis is similar to the unsettled stomach discomfort one experiences just before puking up their toenails. A deep retching sound usually accompanies theses symptoms. It is extremely unpleasant for everyone involved; not to mention the janitor.

PRESCRIPTION & CURE

Thoompemisis is an imaginary state. There is no such cosmic phenomenon as an invisible vortex. But none the less, the accompanying nausea is a real physical symptom with real results.

Dramamine and other motion sickness medications are of little help except for placebo effect since the mental state is completely imagined.

WARNINGS

If you hear a whooshing sound and feel a slight tug at the lighter parts of your body and clothing when nothing is in sight, it is best to read a graphic novel, a good one. To alleviate the stage one symptoms of Thoompemisis, Cypher the graphic novel is without question the ultimate choice. One out of a hundred vetrinarinary accountants recommend this book as treatment. That's good enough for us. The book successfully tricks the reader into thinking about someone else's problems for a few seconds and all symptoms then vanish including the book and patient. This usually occurs between pages 18 and 22.

If Thoompemisis stage two is realized, it is already too late. The book is gone and only one thing is left to do and that is to call the janitor for assistance with the "real results".

If the patient is extraordinarily gullible, they can vanish for hours.